Like any epic journey, it began with a quest: "Go forth into the wilds of South Florida and receive unto thee the bountiful knowledge of the SS7 stack from the wise monk who shall pass it down unto thee". This is an EXACT quote. I'm not paraphrasing even a little.
Okay, so I'm completely full of it. But you probably knew that already.
My journey began as most do: I got on an airplane in Seattle (all epic journeys begin on an airplane in Seattle. This is FACT). After eating a bountiful meal at the airport due to the fact that I despise airplane food, I was running a little late and I was the very last person on the plane. Which, you can probably imagine, is better than being the first person on the next plane.
So, I was already counting my lucky stars. Imagine my shock and amazement when I came upon my traditional aisle seat in the back of the plane and found the middle seat next to me to be completely unoccupied.
HUZZAH!
I, as you are probably all aware, am over six feet tall. And I have a few extra inches around my sizable belly that I would prefer was not there. Tall AND wide. The exact opposite of whomever designers had in mind when they designed airplane seating. An empty middle seat when I have the aisle is the closest thing to Shangra La that I will ever find outside of First Class (at least on an airplane).
All was not perfect however as directly behind me (in the last row of seats -- the ones by the bathroom that don't recline) were populated by three extremely large men. ALL THREE SEATS. Squished in there like sardines. I tried to ignore their murderous gaze as I stretched out into the middle seat next to me and leaned my seat ALL THE WAY BACK.
Hey, I didn't book the worst seats on the plane, they did. I had a cross country flight. I'm still 6 inches too tall for the seat. I will not apologize for getting as comfortable as I could.
Of course, I didn't have to giggle incessantly about it. That part was fairly evil of me. ;)
Directly in front of me was a Mom and her two young children. I overheard their conversation and they were flying to Orlando/Disney World (via Charlotte, NC, which was also my connecting stop. Wait...did I really have to explain that I had the same connecting stop as the person ON THE SAME PLANE AS ME? Probably not. Anywho...)
I cringed inside. Not because this young Mother was travelling with two small children on a busy flight ON MOTHERS DAY, which is clearly a VERY stressful situation. I cringed mostly because the two small kids were probably going to annoy me on the flight.
Guys, it turns out I might possibly be a tad bit selfish.
Nah.
Anyway, seated to my right on the opposite side of the aisle was a twenty something women that looked completely normal. She was skinny and short, and so I hated her because she was probably who the designers of the airplane had in mind when they laid the coach class seating out.
The airplane taxis out and takes off. The kids in front of me are completely well behaved. SPOILER ALERT: They continue to be that way for the entire flight. The Mom was prepared with gum, snacks, things for the kids to do. All in all...supermom. I'm impressed. I forgot the children existed, which is as it should be with all humans under the age of
The lady in the seat to my right on the other hand -- Sobbed uncontrollably during takeoff. Not quiet sobs to herself. Hysterical, my baby got run over by a lawn mower and will never walk again, UTTER DESPAIR.
I thought she had hurt herself or a loved one had died and she just got a text about it directly before turning off her cell phone on as we taxied to the runway. This seems like the only possible explanation for her behavior. I helpfully turned and stared at her open mouthed amazed that anyone would act this way. And of course I did nothing but laugh at her in my brain. (And possibly out loud disguised as a cough).
She later shrugged to a flight attendant and said 'I hate flying'.
Side rant: I dislike Lima Beans. You might go so far as to say I hate them. But...I cannot imagine hating lima beans -- or anything -- MORE than this lady hated flying. Her saying 'I hate flying' is similar to the Pope saying, "I like tall hats", while wearing said hat. 'No shit' has never been a more appropriate turn of phrase.
Anyway, the flight attendant gave her some water and she seemed to calm down. Right up until we hit any kind of bump whatsoever. When that happened she would start crying again and look around in terror, seemingly sizing up who she would have to take down in order to make for the nearest exit. (Note: I'm sure she would go around me. I definitely gave off my "Bitch, you are way too damned skinny to be bowling ME over" vibe.)
When we landed she actually screeched in terror as the wheels hit the ground. I was only partially successful in stifling my laugh. Truth be told, I might have been giggling uncontrollably all the way taxing up to the terminal.
When we got off I saw her hugging what I can only assume was her Mom.
Somebody is DRIVING to Charlotte next year me thinks.
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