Serious Crimes!!

I told you it was weird...you have been warned:

My name is Dan, and I'm a cop. I run the serious crimes division of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. My task is to track down and apprehend the criminal masterminds behind plots to destroy American Grocery and Food Distribution Establishments. I'm the best at what I do.

Saturday December 1st
8:32am -- After a quiet jog around the neighborhood on my day off, I stopped by the office to catch up on a little paperwork when I felt a rumbling in my stomach indicating that I require sustenance. I break for the local breakfast chain resteraunt with the Golden Arches to pick up a Sausage McMuffin with egg, two hashbrowns and a coffee. Cream. No Sugar. Neat.

8:48am -- Consuming breakfast alone in my 1998 Bright Atlantic Blue Ford Escort due to restaurant facility cleanliness issues. I spill a little coffee on my seat cushion. Mental note: Must get new zebra striped seat cushion.

9:04am -- Suspect enters the premises and orders a Big Mac meal with a small diet coke. He is informed that they cannot serve big macs until 10am. Suspect is unhappy but settles on a McGriddle. Sausage. With Cheese.

9:08am -- Workers note the suspect obtained his food and cup for his drink. Suspect moves to vending apparatus to fill his cup with liquid refreshment. There is a large 'No Refills' sign decorating the apparatus.

9:23am -- I walk in to inform establishment management of suspicious, phlemn-like taste in my cup and offer to write a strongly worded letter to the supplier of their coffee bean product. I suspect their supplier has been comprimised by the CLO -- the Columbian Loogie Organization. This terrorist organization seems to have infiltrated every major resteraunt I frequent. Perhaps they know of my open investigation into their activities? Good. It means I'm getting close.

9:24am -- As I explain my offer to an oddly giggling manager, I see the suspect finish his meal and go to refill his cup, despite the prominently displayed signage. Code 487, theft in progress. I move quickly to apprehend the suspect, but slip and fall on the recently mopped floor. I think we may have a crafty villian here. This mastermind orchestrated the plot and timed the moment of his theft and escape with the laughing worker's terribly inefficient mopping duty. Round one goes to the suspect.

10:03am -- I pull the survellience video of the store, confiscate the contents of the trash recepticle, and call in a fingerprint team to dust the table where the suspect allegedly consumed his McGriddle breakfast sandwich for prints.

10:08am -- Call in the DNA team to gather evidence from the store. There is a lot of trace evidence to be gathered here, but we can start by running all of the DNA we aquire through our database of known code 487 suspects and start narrowing the suspect list and questioning for alibis. Meanwhile, I take to the streets.

10:36am -- I start with the local neighborhood, going door to door asking if anybody has seen any suspicious persons walking through their neighborhood carrying what appears to be a small soda from the local establishment. Looks like a dead end. Or the neighbors aren't talking. Could they be part of a larger ring of refill thieves, covering for their co-conspirators?

10:49am -- I call in a favor with the boys at CIA. They are going to put a bird overhead and see what the satellite imaging from this morning tells us about our perp.

11:43am -- DNA calls and tells me we have 1,462 individual DNA samples collected from the facility, including 397 felons, 12 known child molestors, and what appears to be donkey semen. I'm fairly certain that the suspect was not a donkey, but I'm not ruling anything out at this point.

12:32pm -- Finally have the results back from the fingerprint lab. They had 24 individual samples from the booth occupied from by the suspect, and none match any of the DNA found. I must take care to remember: Donkeys do not leave fingerprints.

2:18pm -- The boys at Langley have come back with survellience footage tracking the suspects movements from the time he left the facility to his place of employment. He works at a Starbucks down the street, a competing breakfast chain. It is possible we are dealing with something deeper and more diabolical, which could include corporate espionage. And how does the donkey play in? Nothing on the satellite about the donkey. Too bad.

3:41pm -- Called in the SWAT boys and went to Starbucks. Took the employees downtown for questioning.

4:12pm -- The employees prove to be tough nuts to crack. Their story is that they don't know anything about masturbating donkeys or international refill thieves. We will see.

5:56pm -- Made the call to send the employees to Guantanamo for a little sweat in the hot box. Maybe a little Water Boarding will get the truth out of them.

6:43pm -- The threat of incarceration in anti-terrorism facilities seems to have put a chink in their armor. One of the employees claims responsibility for the orginal theft. Still claims ignorance of the donkey. Tough nut to crack. I ship him off to the interrogation experts at Guantanamo to see if they can get anything more. A few years with them, and the conspiracy will be revealed for certain.

All in a days work...at SERIOUS CRIMES!!!